Archive for June, 2010


Silence

Its awkward when your sitting in a family resturant, with your family, today mine included a family of 5. My dad, his wife, my two sisters and myself. Well its Fathers day and today we all went to Friendly’s for breakfast. The Holistic went off about how the glare from the cars were bothering her so we closed the blinds, then she was silent but she continued to just stare the death stare around the table. It was great fun, I did all that I could to avoid looking at her. I mean I deliberately turned my body to the side so I could start counting the design patterns on the house across the street. Then the waiter 5 minutes after we ordered ( mind you we had to wait about 15 minutes to stare at the menu) I mean they had a small menu so it did not take long at all to figure out what you wanted. we sat around just doing nothing, we were absolutly silent, but it was like we couldnt talk because when one of us started talking either the radio seemed to get louder or the rents could not hear anything. So they got pissy and they didnt care about it. 30 minutes later ( thats way too long for a few eggs and toast to be made) we finally got our food, mine was far from done and the toast was very over done. There was no toast it was just a brick. The egg was not fully done so I just picked around it. Even then we barely spoke one word. So I just turned myself the other way and counted the floor tiles. I counted the one floor to be 17 by 20 tiles. So an overall total of 340 tiles I counted.

I saw the pain in my fathers face as we just sat there in solitude.

Solitude means otherwise we were isolated and even though we were all together it was terrible we just ate, then left. off to the flea market we went, where even though we were walking around and there was nothing that we could talk about. I think it all had to do with stuff from yesterday. I really think that it is insane that I cant even look my step mother of almost 11 years in the face without wanting to cry or punch it in. I really am not a violent person she just makes me that way.

There are many people that should do it,

but they dont. They just glare and walk on by, you lend a hand and you get a i coulda gotten it myself. No thanks, no hand shake, nothing. It just goes to show how cold people in the world can actually be. technically I can get going and smile at you even if I really do not care much about that person. in my head, a smile can go along way. It can change the mood of one and it can make it so that there is a contagious amount of smiling around. Thats right I said that smiling was addicting…

Addict means:

noun

1.a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance: a drug addict.

–verb (used with object)

2.to cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on an addictive substance

3.to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively.

Now a smile should fall under all these categories. Its free and it should be for everyone, if everyone in the world at least once a day, well I think that would at least lighten the mood a tad amongst us all…or it should be at least. Less furrowed eyebrows are a must, though crying leads to furrowing, so just watch what you do. You should be able to smile a minute and lead the happy life that everyone was ment to lead.

But not all of lifes sadness and sorrows can just diminish in a flash. There is time that it takes to fix themselves. And if its gotta be that way well so be it.

Did you know?

That there was such a thing as a holistic bitch?

Holistic means:

  • Emphasizing the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts.

  • and the grammatical correct for the term bitch is a female dog. well in this case we are talking about a female. she happens to be the 4th parent –_- yes i said forth because I have mom and dad, and the step rents. the step rents can be beyond words. they make it sound like everything is about them and that if it isnt the way they want it well then it is wrong, they stress day in and day out even when things are going right for them. and it really bothers me. the problem is that no one is happy. it blows my mind and it makes me want to cry even further.

    now im sure you all are tired of listening to me bitch, moan and complain, but seriously she needs to hush around me or im going to snap. im at that point in life where anything she complains, bitches, whines about bothers me, I really can not stand it because its in that same little urky little voice… It annoys the fuck out of me and i want it gone. then they wonder wth i dont ever go to my fathers house. I mean it is kinda hard to do anything when even at the age of 20. Im not allowed to leave the house, let alone go to my bedroom. not allowed to leave the house without parental consent/parental supervision. hell I cant even go outside –_- because there is nothing out there to do apparently. ever think that I like to just go outside and watch the clouds go by or just veg. out in the yard? to get questioned about why im going to my bedroom its ridiculous  mean ill go where i please. I know the places in the house i am and aren’t allowed to go to. soooo stfu…

    I really enjoy my peaceful room but now even thats going to be lived in with my sister –_- im screwed. I live in my room and now I have to deal with another kid, another mouth. I warned her that I was not going to change my habits of staying up late and talking to friends and listening to music. its my life so stay away from it. im ur sister i know i should be your friend but i dont want to be. its hard on me to be social when i have people up my ass all the time. its either with my sisters or my brother, or more recently with my parents. I mean im getting charged 25 dollars a week to live at my moms house because of my step dad.

    this shit has been on my mind really bothering me a lot more then i know it should but its life and I rather it not be like this. I wanna be happy with him, thats it, but no i cant even get peace in my head. the thoughts are out to get me ><’’’

    its overrated,

    you cry when ur happy, you cry when your upset, I mean when isn’t there a time in life that everyone at least one cry? It may be as happy as watching your newborn being born or when your at a funeral. sure there are many many reasons to cry but they all start in one place, The heart. The heart can be a wonderful place, it can be a terrible place, it can be warm and lovely and at the same time it can be harsh and cold. Many people may say you have to choose what you are like. whether your warm or cold. they really are all related in what I would like to call a cycle. everyone has the chance to be loving and at the same time they can turn around and be just as harsh. It all really depends on what you want to make people think of you. Sometimes the heart weeps at the wrong decision chosen. It feels like a crooked dagger has been shoved down deep inside and is permanently in pain.

    Some think that love is just an emotion that you have that is the opposite of hatred. To me love and hatred can be two completely similar emotions right next to each other. Some have told me that they are too cold to cry. but deep inside you know that there was a time that you cried. isn’t there at least one time? for me I over cry but it helps me destress. then I come out and start writing these. It helps me relax. even if its something that other people read and just say so what? get over it!

    To your face I will cry, I will smile, I will even laugh, but never do I like to show my face because I am embarrassed. im afraid that if I show you even the most normal of human emotions well your going to disown me, throw me to the side like some stupid piece of garbage. Even hoping for this to not be true I try. I tried love it failed twice now, im working on my third and I hope that its my last, nothing can make me happier. Except to have the family on my side more then just mom and him and a friend. its really discouraging, I should be told to do stuff that I know will make me happy and what I feel is right for me, I should not have to be told or begged to stay at this point in life, I really want to move on and out into the wide world.

    I really do not know where to start. 😦

    Is there anything in here that someone can help me figure out where I can get a fresh start?